Resolute

- Get at least a 4.0 for the end of 1st semester...2nd semester I couldn't care less about.
- Make the best decision possible concerning colleges...
- Lose 10 lbs. (ubiquitous, I know) and actually KEEP my weight there.
- Read at least 40 books (lofty, but I'm determined!)
- Update livejournal and my blog more often, as a means of creative outlet.
- Get more involved in activism, I haven't been to a rally since last summer.
- Stop fucking procrastinating. I'm serious. It's horrible.
- Get a job.

I don't think I've ever set legitimate New Years Resolutions before, so we'll see how this goes. Besides my becoming vegetarian resolution two years ago that has worked out wonderfully (two-year anniversary tomorrow!).

Tonight I'm going to a party and probably getting too drunk which means probably making out with a girl which probably means more people thinking I'm a lesbian. Whatever, I do what I want!



Can't wait for the new year, I feel a lot a-changin'.

This may initiate a hiatus

I'm stuck in a rut.
Everything I do seems lackluster and inadequate. My writing is bombastic and reliant on re-used vocabulary words; there is no actual substance in anything I produce. I don't have innovative ideas or theories, and even if I did, I wouldn't be able to formulate these ideas into words. My art is so far below original; it's talentless. Even my thoughts are some sub-par version of something I've read or heard. I'm so sick of being average.

I wish I would be able to find at least something I'm good at. But every time I try something new I end up stopping before I create anything worth looking twice at because I realize how insufficient it all is. It's not that I'm comparing myself to others, it's just that I'm aware of my own faults, and there are certainly many, many others who are lucky enough to excell in the things i only wish i wouldn't fall short in. What's the point in pretending to be profound, if I'm always going to generate mediocrity?

Dance beneath the diamond sky.

Something suddenly reminded me of the movie, Elizabethtown, so of course I was filled with the unignorable urge to watch it. I'm glad I did, I haven't seen this movie in a really long time and I kind of forgot how much I liked it.



It's kind of a guilty pleasure. I know it's not the most eloquent or the most aesthetically or philosophically profound as many films out there (perhaps a good thing, it didn't seem like it was trying too hard to be intellectual or anything, like a lot of movies fall victim to), but something about it is just honest and endearing. It's real.



To have never taken a solitary road trip across country? I mean everybody's got to take a road trip, at least once in their lives. Just you and some music.



Sadness is easier because its surrender. I say make time to dance alone with one hand waving free.

What? What is "school'?

Thanksgiving vacation has come and gone; I'll be at school in t-minus eight hours. That's so depressing, I have accomplished nothing in the week I've had off. I guess it is nice to relax and take a break from everything, but I'd rather not spend a week without doing anything remotely productive. Even homework has taken a back seat (what am I talking about? Homework always occupies the back seat. Right now it's in the trunk, or running behind the car of my priorities, waving its arms.) and right now I'm sitting in my living room at 11:24 PM trying to figure out how I'm going to begin to finish, or maybe not. I would say that I have no motivation but that's completely untrue; this semester really counts in terms of college acceptance, if I'm put on a waiting list from early action. But I can, however, lay the blame on Senioritis. It's very real, and it's very frustrating.

I also wish I would have posted more in the last few weeks. I have tons of photos piling up, I guess I'll just post them gradually within the next few days.






I spent a lot of time yesterday downloading new music, I didn't realize how much I listened to the same things over and over until I had something new to listen to. New additions to iTunes included the new Devendra Banhart album, more Elton John and Beach Boys, a few different soundtracks that I've been meaning to get after seeing their respective movies, and others. I will be occupied in that department for a while.

My inspiration folder is overflowing and filled to the brim!

I'm happy just because.

Went back, back, back to schooley hell today. However, I balanced out this hellishness with some random after school shopping at one of my favorite thrift stores in Oceanside. I got that ubiquitous Dark Side of the Moon - Pink Floyd t-shirt, it's extra soft and too big, but I like it. And I got this vintage '70s dress that has kind of a weird print. Lately I've been trying to kind of push my style in more of the direction of 1966 mod-developing-into-hippiedom, but I digress. I liked this dress. Rhymey rhyme.
And the other day I bought two jackets online; one is a tannish tweed peacoat that's exactly the right length, and the other is a black faux-leather jacket that I'm kind of wary of since it seems like a decent amount of people I know have jackets reminiscent of this. Which I usually like to stay away from. But hey, I like it. Can't wait until they come in the mail!
It's pretty sad how my current happiness is a result of my own material-gain...shallow, if you will. I need to concentrate on things (no, not things! Ideas! Occurrences!) that make me happy other than the superficial.

I did well on my Government in-class essays today.



The weekend is looking bright, and it's so close.



New developments?



One of my mom's friends happens to be on the Board of Alumni for Lewis & Clark and he offered to write me a letter of reccommendation! Better chances? Oh, I hope so, I sure need it.

Pomegranate Tea

Yet again I'm wasting the day away under my favorite blanket, in front of my TV and/or laptop...I really wish I had the energy to do anything remotely productive. But, alas, I'm still feeling pretty under the weather, although lightyears better than first thing this morning. I've got miso soup and tea running through my veins.

It drizzled here for about three seconds before the sun decided it wanted to show its face again. The pseudo-rain got me all excited, I wish we would finally start having a legitimate autumn. I always feel bad, though, when I complain about the sunshiney Southern-California weather. I know that if and when I relocate to Portland I'll miss the sun. I just wish we'd experience some variety. Oh well, no use whining about something I can't change...

Tomorrow I'll return to school and be forced to interact with people I'd rather not have anything to do with...oh, the joys of high school.

What's it going to be then, eh?

I had a good weekend...it was a decent balance between extreme socialization and alone-time, although I wish I would have been more productive. Friday I kind of reunited with one of my former best friends, it was nice. Then Saturday was Halloween...which means I spent time with pretty much all my friends and exercised the oh-so-ubiquitous cliche of getting wasted at a Halloween party, et cetera, et cetera. I'm not complaining though, it was definitely fun. I dressed as Alex de Large from A Clockwork Orange, which I discovered must have been a little too obscure for my circle of friends; there were about three people in total who understood my costume without asking me "who the hell" I was dressed as. That's okay though, I enjoyed wearing my black bowler hat and painting the upside-down eyelash on my right eye with liquid eyeliner. And I liked adopting the evil persona of Alex...except obviously without the "ultraviolence".





Today I came home from school early -- I think I contracted some sort of cold during my weekend adventures. But I have to get well soon...too, too much to do!

Vacía

Si yo no soy aceptado en esta universidad yo no sé lo que haré. Tengo demasiadas cosas en mi mente, no puedo pensar. Quiero estar lejos de aquí, no puedo soportarlo más. Toda la gente y todas las cosas están cansadas y aburridas, necesito un cambio de ritmo. La escuela es estresante, las aplicaciones son estresantes, tú eres estresante. Sale mi cabeza. Quiero experimentar más cosas, quiero desafiarme en un entorno que no es tan insignificante y vacante. Para que alguien ser prolífico, tiene que encontrar algo profundo e inspirador en su ambiente. Imposible aquí.




Yo quiero estar allá.

Hakuna Matata

It means no worries.

As if you could kill time without injuring eternity.

The past few weeks have consisted of...

Applications, lack of sleep, too much homework, too much thinking, a break up, a revelation, hoping, waiting for winter, a trip to Portland (the beginning of a city-love affair), deadlines, a road trip, and emptiness.

My mom and I spent two days driving in/around the Portland area to investigate some potential college choices...and I fell in love with Lewis & Clark College. As well as the actual city of Portland; I love the culture and originality there, it's not common that one comes across an oasis of a city surrounded by forrests and so, so many trees.

I can't wait to start my life there next year.

My only worry is that I won't be accepted...I'm not sure what I'll do in that case. Last year I worked so hard to make up for my academic hiccup of the previous year; it would be so disappointing for that hard work to have been wasted. When I finally figure out what I want to do and where I want to be...there's a sizable chance that I won't be able to do it. All I can do at this point is think positive -- I've already sent in my application and everything. I guess I'll just hold my breath until March, until the day of the final verdict.

In less than a year, no one here will be able to control the direction my life goes in.

"I learned this, at least, by my experiment; that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams,and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours." - hdt

Break on Through

I spent a lot of time alone today...saw a movie and read at Starbucks. I enjoy the alone time though, a foreign concept to most of my socially active peers. I like the time to think and be independent, without anyone to dictate where to go or what to do; if I'm alone it's all up to me. A break from the hectic is nice.

Yesterday I spent time with some new friends; shopped around Laguna and San Juan with said new friends and Tyler. I bought another turquoise ring to add to my collection...this one's bigger and more dramatic, though. It was a nice afternoon, we got to engage in some intelligent conversation which I'm not really used to. Not to say my friends aren't intelligent, but we usually spend our time rambling about nothing and making silly jokes, which I enjoy as well. But it was a good change of pace.



I have a lot to do still, this day wasn't as productive as it should have been. Homework galore to finish before I leave for Portland tomorrow evening...which reminds me that I also need to pack. I'm anticipating the cold weather Portlanders are expecting for this week, I haven't experienced a cold day in what seems like centuries.





The debut of my blog was the effect of a sudden burst of inspiration...I'm hoping this bout will stick around longer than they usually do, I have too many drawings and journals and photographs left abandoned. I have to remember to take along a sketchbook on my Oregon trip...plain rides (especially of the solitary variety) always spark some sort of creative energy. Something about staring out the window and listening to good folk music and being thousands of feet in the air. Looking forward to it.